Seasons

I would apologize for my absence but I'm not sorry one bit. As far as I can see this has been the best time of my life and it's only the beginning. I am just getting started. I'm not who I used to be and I'm not who I'm supposed to be. Or maybe I'm not who I thought I'd be. I'm just me. I've entered a place of no return and now all I can do is work. All I can do is prepare. All I can do is read. All I can do is lift my hands. I've been hiding for too long. Now it's not like captivity as I thought it to be. Now I am sharpening my weapons preparing for the battle. Now I am drawing my schematics out so that the plan can be implemented. Now I am really doing what needs to be done. A time is coming when no man can work. We will eat but not by our traditional work. We will hide in the dark places not to blend in but to expose the darkness. Our light will overtake all the evil and again the world will be safe in time to come. We will expose the threat that lurks behind the lion. For thou he roar, his bark hath no bite. I will be as who I was created to be since the beginning of time. All things will be made new. A refreshing is coming. The planting season is over and the rains have come. If anything we are in the eye of the storm. Waiting for the next rain so that we may be tested. For what we planted went through a burning season. The land was torched and only what was fire proofed made it through the storm. Now what remains and has survived the fire has been watered. Today the sun shines and the seeds will receive their fill. However when the day is done, they still need time to grow. Next we must receive more rain. It has to come. It may be cold but it's refreshing. Don't you remember the fire. It was hot. After the rain, the sun will come to nourish us again. After he has come then we will grow once again. We will have a growth spurt. Once we have reached maturity it will be time for us to be plucked and the process continues.

Public or Private

I think I'm the perfect mix of "in between". I'm not too public and I'm not too private. I guess I'm lukewarm but in a secular sense. I want to you to be hip to all my ways but blind to all my sin. I want to you feel my writing but never see my poems crying. I need you to be encouraged to change your life but never stop to question if I'm living right. I guess it's just the downfall of a leader. You work for the people but never stop to get what you need. In fact you never acknowledge the fact that you do need. I mean God has called you and that does mean he's qualified you so why stop. I mean I ain't trying to be wondering around in no desert for days or years even. I'm trying to move. I gotta keep it pushing. Always pressing. BUT is it really in a good way? Am I pressing against adversity or just preventing God's hand from blessing me? I mean it's easy to get confused. How quickly your work be done in vain if your heart is not changed. The minute you start thinking you've arrived is the moment that you've just departed. Departed from the place of grace or even understanding. Making it hard to see what to see in the midst of a storm. In a place of privacy not wanting publicity. I mean I don't know what you see but I have to fight this hypocrisy and just be me.

My Heart's Prayer

I cry now for my daughters and sons. For those who have yet to be born. My heart is burdened with their future responsibilities. I pray now that they would be strengthened. I pray now that they would heed the Holy Spirit in all its warnings. I know that they are anointed. I know that they have a gifting and a calling far greater than mine. I look forward to the day when they will recognize their power.

YES on 8

YES on 8 passed but now what? What do we do now? I recently checked out the NO on 8 website and the supporters of No on 8 aren't giving up. They are determined to fight for what they believe in. Are we determined to do the same? Are we ready to fight to protect what we believe? They are! There was a huge march on Santa Monica Blvd and to the Los Angeles Temple to protest the passing of Proposition 8. I guess they targeted the Mormon Church because they had given the most money in support of the proposition. I don't know fellow Christians are you ready to be persecuted for Christ's name sake? I am finally ready and I am ok with those beliefs being challenged. I know who I am!

CHANGE

Man don't talk to me about change.

I AM Change.

That's my first and last name.

Heck maybe even middle name.

The swagger that I have that's offensive to you is changing some one's life everyday.

I live, breathe, eat and drink change.

I cannot remain the same.

Everyday I have to die to myself so that I can truly grow.

Always thinking and evaluating where I am and where I'm going.

Never stopping because to stop would mean delay and the time is now.

The time is now for change.

Barack Obama

There is so much that I want to say. So much that I want to share. My mind is just...doing flips...WOW. Let me first be honest. I'll admit initially I wasn't sure who I was voting for. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't voting for Barack because he was black or for McCain just so I wasn't voting for Barack because he was black. I feel that both candidates did not completely line up with my beliefs but one seemed to really identify with me more than the other. So I voted for Barack Obama because he just seemed to stay with his message throughout his whole campaign and he really seemed to care about the people.

Last night for me, was quite surreal. It didn't hit me until after I had cast my vote. I was getting in my car and it dawned on me "I just voted for a black man." Like huh? I just did what? A black man ran for president and won. Not just any black man but a black man that stands for change in health care and the economy. I mean there are some other issues that I am not for that Barack supports but that's where I am able to say my piece as a citizen. People we can't just turn our backs on politics. I am so proud of people standing up for what they believe in but guess what? It ain't over! We still have to fight. Barack made it through the door, and for many of us there are doors in our own personal journeys that have yet to be approached. So don't forget yesterday. Don't forget the impact that it had on your life. History was made yesterday and it has changed the world. However our part as the people is not done. We have a lot of work to do. Restoration is needed. It's going to be hard and long and we need to start now.

Start writing our lawmakers at the local level asking for change. Calling upon our non-profit organizations, local churches, and fellow citizens. Calling upon them to do what they were elected to do. My prayer is that people don't stop being involved. My prayer is that they don't stop seeing that their vote matters. That they matter as an individual person. Last night was powerful. Anywho I'm sooo excited! I am excited to continue to be apart of our democratic system. People died so that I could vote. So that I could be equal. I can't disappoint them. I have to share my ideas and beliefs!

And another thing...I guess since it's my blog I can say what I want. However I was thinking about how as a child I wanted to be President of the United States. Now as a 22 year old woman I could actually run as a candidate in the future. That's not a lofty idea. It's not too far off. I could possibly be anything that I want to be. I mean I know that through Christ I can be anything. It's just nice to see this demonstrated in a such a historic way. With all that said, pray for the people. Pray for our leaders. Pray for our Churches. Pray! It really changes things.

To Be or Not To Be

I want to share all that is within me. There's so much in me that is just sitting and wasting away. There is hope, there is truth, there is love, but most of all there is CHRIST. He resides on the inside of me so if anything I would want to introduce you to him that he can give the true gift that keeps giving to you. I would pray that you would accept him into your life because you are accepting the words that I am speaking or writing at this second not as my opinion but as the Word of God. My prayer is that all men would come to know the love of CHRIST. It's so strong. It's so gentle. It's so eternal. Once you get a taste, I love the scripture, "Taste and see that the Lord is Good". I can't remember the address but it blows my socks off. I think it matches the mind of most people, we love samples, trials, freebies, etc and this scripture seems almost like a dare, NO A DOUBLE DOG DARE. We are being admonished to try God. To just take a taste. Have you ever tasted a sauce you were making, or a special dish and you wouldn't to make sure that it would please your guests. Didn't all it take was a small taste to know that it was good. Didn't you only need to get the flavor of it in your mouth to know that it was seasoned just right that you didn't need anything else. Well that's how Christ is! All you need to do is take a small taste. Nothing major just a little taste to see if he is good. There is no need for refunds or exchanges because you won't be going back to your former life. You will be living an eternal.

LOL...I am literally laughing thinking about my thoughts and desires as a child. I would watch these shows and movies about immortal characters. I think it was Buffy the Vampire Slayer that really had me sold on this idea. I think certain characters made potions or found a way to be immortal and the whole idea really seemed cool. Especially since the idea of death really weirded me out, this idea of eternal life seemed so cool. I think I would go to bed praying that I too could live forever. I didn't want to die but I wanted to live. Over 10 years later, what do you know? I am immortal...okay not in a literal sense but in a figurative one. I have eternal life granted to me by my heavenly Father. So because Christ resides in me, I will now live on with him after this life. How exciting? Wow...life after death...or immortality as I'd like to refer to it.

Super Tuesday

Hmmmm what if Christians repped CHRIST just as hard as they repped OBAMA? Notice that I said "CHRISTIANS" before you start to comment! What if they rocked CHRIST SHIRTS, BUTTONS, PINS, ETC. What if they signed up to work his campaign? CHRIST's Campaign that is. Nothing against OBAMA (I like him) but what if we flew across the country to tell ... Read Morepeople about JESUS CHRIST and the HOPE that's in HIM! WOW, what a difference that would make in people's lives? That's why it's gotta start with my life! I live for CHRIST therefore everyone that runs into me, will SEE the HOPE in my life because of CHRIST! No RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES or Shenanigans here, just the LOVE OF CHRIST!!! SO WITH THAT SAID, I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

I just can't stop singing it!

Ok so I have Hillsongs, When I think about the Lord just stuck in my head. It just keeps playing and playing.



Artist: Hillsongs Australia
Song: When I think about the Lord

When I Think about the Lord,
How He saved me, how He raised me,
how He filled me, with the Holy Ghost.
How He healed me, to the uttermost.

When I Think about the Lord,
how He picked me up and turned me around,
how He placed my feet on solid ground

Chrous*

It makes me wanna shout,
Halleilujiah,
Thank you JESUS,
LORD, your worthy, of all the glory, and all the honor,
and all the praise.

CSUN Gospel Choir

Alright so I don't want my blog to be about all videos but as of late I have been feeling real private with my thoughts. Not wanting to share too much and give away more than is necessary for people to know. I will be posting things real soon but as for now I'm just thinking. I'm just pondering all that is and all that was. Anywho in all my pondering of the past I ran across this video of the CSUN Gospel Choir. A group that had a large impact on my life during college, not that college was so long ago but this video reminded me of that time in my life. How I felt & What I was going through and where I am now. All I can do is Thank God! I'm not who I used to be and even the good things he was blessing me with then, he has added to that more and more so I am just Thankful for what the Lord is doing in and through me. He is so awesome. So as you watch this video I hope that you are blessed. I hope that you are touched and I hope you remember where you were and where you are and how those two places differ and more importantly I hope that you see room in your life where God can do more and definitely move you to a new place in HIM. Well with that said...ENJOY!

Too Cute!

ME

Broken heart of mine be not deceived by what you see. For it is only temporal in its status lasting no longer than its purpose allows. It is so much more than know. Learning how not to be swayed by your emotions is a difficult thing I am learning. I'm getting better at it though.

The Theater is ALIVE in LA!

Last Night I was refreshed. I was made alive again by my first love. The theater. It has been awhile that I do admit but oh how time has only made my heart grow fonder. A love I thought was dead has become new again. This is my endorsement for the August Wilson play, Two Trains Running. It is good. A must see!

Get your tickets on It's My Seat

Tell a friend!

Sharing to share

Have you ever wanted a do-over? Do you remember playing handball against those huge blue walls in the middle of the black top, calling out things like white magic, black magic, rainbows, bubbles or pops? Well I do! And I especially remember making a slip up which I wouldn't admit then but in retrospect was all my doing but trying to get over on my opponents I'd ask for a do-over. Does anyone feel me this morning? Well in all my flesh, I slipped up. Not super bad(no pun intended but if it's there, laugh a little) but anywho I just lost track of my goal, my desire, I guess my purpose or you could even say that I lost heart. Something so simple yet I refused to do it. I don't have to say what it is, fill in the blank for your own life. With that said I just asked God for a redo or a do-over. I wanted another chance to try to pass the test. So I guess this morning I'm just saying Thanks for the Do-over.

The Art of Waiting: Lord Make Me a Servant

There's something to be said about a waiter. I mean it's a decent occupation. It brings money into the house but I mean it's such a lowly position. I mean think about it, depending on where you go, there is a host/hostess at most restaurants. Some one who stands at the door and greets you. They welcome you into the restaurant and essentially set the tone for the evening or morning you will experience at their restaurant. Then after they have seated you, if you have a good waiter before you can even look at the menus he or she is over at your table or booth inquiring about your drink orders and telling you about the House Special probably something grilled over a bed of rice with way more garnish than meat but of course you listen to be polite and then rumble off your drink orders. Pretty soon your waiter (or some places even call them servers) whisks away to get your drinks. They may ask you if you are ready to order but chances are you may not be, depending on your appetite or familiarity with the restaurant. So they will continue to check in on you until you are ready and depending on how picky you are when you are ready to order then the server will undergo a series of questions about the menu, and it's entrees. You may ask, is the chicken spicy? Can I have the House Special with no onions? Is it possible to have the steak cooked medium-well with crisp edges? And by the end of it all you have ordered a completely different item then when you first began to order. Then after he or she takes your menus, they may come back and drop some bread or chips and salsa on the table to keep you at bay. All the while refilling your beverages. Waiting on you while you are waiting. I mean the occupation of waiting is truly a selfless task. You do all this running and waiting and asking all so that someone else can benefit from your service and OK yes you are getting paid to do it and there may be a fat tip involved but for the most part you are waiting on people and serving them.

Now I'm not a waitress but I was in high school. I waited and bussed tables and let me tell you that it has its up days and its down days. But can I tell you this?

It pays off, it is what it is but like anything you grow, you learn and I guess by now you get that I'm not talking about becoming professional waiters or servers but maybe eternal waiters and servers.

Waiting on a Mate

Whew...lol...this is something I know absolutely nothing about but boy am I learning. See I guess growing up I thought that you had control over your life. Well hang on let me try that again. I guess growing up I thought I had control over my life. I thought my life was my own, blah blah blah (cry me a river) but anywho as I began to grow I began to see that I didn't. See for some reason I thought I would take a long time to finish school. Finished 3 years earlier than planned. Then I thought that as soon as you are done with school you just work the job you want. You decide on it, apply and BAM it's yours...OK soooo yeah that's not true. And all while doing this I thought you met the man of your dreams and get married and have lots of babies, OK so yeah...Where is He at?LOL...but now seriously. That's what I thought now granted this was 10 years ago but that's what I thought happened until I met CHRIST. Boy did that change things. So now I'm learning that waiting on a mate is about serving. It's about serving Christ with my all. It's about really letting go of what I knew...for example, my plan to be done with school at 24, married, and working a dream job and maybe having a bun in the oven. Oh yeah did I mention I want like 14 kids (7 by me, 7 by adoption...I know but if I have the money and provision and blessing from God) Anywho so this waiting thing is about serving. So now I have to renew my mind because of course I thought receiving a mate really meant that I was seeking a mate. However I am the woman so that can't be right. Now I am serving instead of receiving...hmmm what does that look like. Waiting on a mate is essentially waiting on God whether you are the male or the female. One if you are the male yes it is your job to approach and pursue and court the woman but if God hasn't given you the go ahead you could be wasting your time. So waiting on God is a must in that situation and ladies please don't get it twisted, it's your job to wait on God as well. You will have to wait on God to know how to respond when a man does approach you. Is it really God?

Waiting on Glory

I think waiting on a mate is similar to waiting for God's Glory to be revealed. God's Glory being Jesus the son of man. It's something that we spend our whole lives looking forward to. The glorious day when Jesus comes back to get those he loves and those who love him. Waiting has a lot to do with preparation. Pastor Dre, a co-pastor at my church Hope's House preached about the gap/time/space that exists between the promise and the actual possession or manifestation of that promise using the example of Abraham and the promise God made to him to make him the father of many nations when he was old and his wife still barren. It's a perfect example of a situation where God said something was to take place but there still needed to be time before he could fulfill or make good on his word. Preparation is what needed to occur if you ask me. We want to go to Glory but we aren't ready and frankly we still need to spread the Good News. It's an individual issue with a group effort. We each are responsible for our own lives and walks but collectively we need to unite and prepare ourselves for his coming again.

Waiting in the midst of a Storm

I think the latter of the last section is important for a time such as now. We are dealing with such scary times financially. We've known for years that our motto or slogan on our currency wasn't true. IN GOD WE TRUST, no offense but I believe that we (Americans) trust God as far as we can throw him, and if you haven't noticed no man has seen God in all his greatness and fullness's so yeah...you get it. But if that's what we believe then why are times proving that our hope was really in the almighty dollar and not in God. If that's what we believe then why is there no prayer in school? Hmmmm makes you think or at least it makes me think. But more importantly if we were to prepare ourselves collectively for the group effort then I think that would make things easier for us during the storm. In the midst of it all, waiting wouldn't seem so hard. Waiting wouldn't seem like a pain or a punishment. It would seem like waiting. Nothing is wrong, God's not mad, you're just waiting.

Back by popular Demand

No it's not a DJ with another mixtape or another mindless television program meant to rot your brain but it's me. The one, the only...lol...I'm soooooo just kidding. No but for real people have been asking me to update my blog so I thought I'd just share some things running through my mind.

I guess it's safe to say that when you declare something that you'd better be good and ready to back it up. That if you are going to be about something that well by gosh jolly gee willagers better be ready to defend it! So again not for the first and definitely not for the last time.

I Love CHRIST!

I'm Just So...

...thankful to be alive. Thankful to be living. Happy to be here. Even though my life is way different than I planned it to be I know that it's exactly where God has planned for me to be. Lately I've been learning that to be discontent with the temporary means that I have a lack of understanding of who my heavenly father is. I say that because if things are not going your way and you are upset about it and you are praying and worshiping your way through it and nothing is changing. God may be trying to tell you something. Trust and believe I'm not trying to be spooky but if you are single and discontent and mad that every time you try to hook up with someone that it does not work then you may be discontent with God's plan for your life right. Please understand that I am speaking about my personal experience and what's going on with me and in no way shape or form is this blog absolute. It's just my opinion and what I'm living and what I know to be true. Anywho I'm coming to understand that there is a reason for everything even the bad things that may have happened in your life. God knows about them. He saw them. He may have even planned for them to happen because he knew that they would make you into the individual that you are in. I'm not saying to thank God for crazy things, like Thank you Lord that I was robbed and beat or raped. I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying Thank God in all seasons. Do not draw away from Him when you are hurt and you think that He is responsible. If anything confront him, pour out your heart and soul to Him because unlike the people in your life who are human, God's not going run or lie (He's not the son of man that he should lie or have to repent, lowkey I know it's in the bible but too lazy to run to biblegateway.com right now to get the address of the scripture) but anywho I'm learning that when I open my heart and life up to God that I am giving Him an open invitation to infiltrate my life in however he sees fit. Which means how he see fit may not match up to how I see fit. See how I see fit may be God blessing me with a promotion with a fat raise at my job, as well as bless me with some extra checks in the mail to pay off my credit debt and car loan, and bless me with a boo(not just a boo but a husband who I'd call my boo forever), my own place, a fly new wardrobe, etc, etc, etc. And the whole time God is like nope, press. Let's press for my presence...how about I build your character so that I can send you into the nations. Yes Amber those things that you desire are great but there is a time and place for all things and right now I want to work in you. I want to develop you more. You are the woman that I created you to be but there is more that I require of you as well as more that I want to do in your life. But if you let me in, I promise you that I will do the work if you let me in to do the work.

Fight

We need to fight for what we want and that may not look like what we think fighting looks like. We may have to submit in order to fight. We may have to be quiet in order to fight. We may have to sit in order to fight. I think about past relationships and friendships and how sometimes we had to fight in order to grow. It was in our disagreements that we actually grew closer. We needed to communicate but didn't know how and it took some tension to build up between us in order to actually express ourselves so that we could get past this stagnant place that had become so normal and comfortable. Today I feel like God is encouraging us to fight. Fight for what we believe in. Fight for those we love. Fight.

Fight (when used as a verb with no object) means to engage in battle, or in a single combat, attempt to defend oneself against or to subdue, defeat, or destroy an adversary.

Who is your adversary? Who's been fighting you?

Hmmm when I think about engaging in battle it makes me think of all the times I have avoided controversy because I didn't want to stand out or be different or because I wanted to just blend in. I don't think God is calling us to blend in. I think he is calling us to separate ourselves. I think that God is calling us to be set apart.

Whatever it is that God has called you to do or to separate yourself from, PLEASE DO THAT. However know that you're going to have to fight. Don't run from the battle. Perfect Love casts out fear, right? Then let's not be afraid. We are soooooo dangerous. We have power. People are waiting on us.

Can you encourage someone today? Can you step outside of yourself? Can you stop worrying about your empty gas tank, didn't you make it to work or school? Someone else didn't make it their destination. Someone else didn't wake up. Someone else is depressed, can you go tell them about the truth that lives in you. Man we know all this. I'm not saying nothing new because there ain't nothing new under the sun.

Can you give thanks to God? Thank HIM.

Man we got to fight to pray, fight to praise, fight to thank, fight to love, fight for everything that is important to us. God is giving us grace so let's give it to someone else today. Let's love someone. Let's do the report ahead of the due date just to make some one else's job easier. Let's treat someone just because. Man let's go against the grain not for the heck of it or even our sake but for HIS Name sake!

Can I tell you something?

We win this fight!

Alright that's it for now...just wanted to encourage you the way God did me this morning. Man I needed it to. Because lowkey, I had in my mind that I'm a lover not a fight but lowkey God has called us to be both. Is HE not the lion and the lamb? Precious and Mighty. Man....ya'll don't even know...lol...alright. Have a good day!

I love you all!

--
Amber Rhodes

Writing

Writing to free myself. I'm writing to breathe. Writing to live. Writing to adventure. Writing to relax. I'm writing to let go of all the things that are holding me back. I'm writing to escape the pain that is often felt in my heart. I am writing to inspire those who don't even know that they are gifted. I am writing because to some degree that's all I know how to do. I am writing because it makes me feel better. It makes me smile. It helps me understand my life and this crazy world that I live in. I am so thankful for this ability.

At times it seems like a curse. My mind is filled with so many random things, things I want to share. Things I want to hide. Things I want to hold on tight to and never let go. But for some reason I gotta let it all go. I can't hold on to it any longer. The pressure that's been building up inside of me and is going to explode. How can I contain the wonderful gift that God has given me. It's so much greater and bigger than anything I have ever imagined. Looking back I can see it was always there lurking in the back. Not like a scary monster or anything but for the most part it was there watching me.

The crazy thing is, I never saw it. I think my mom was the first to see it. She'd pay close attention to my school work and lessons and ever so often making comments about my spelling and always pushing me to grow, learn and expand. I'll admit I didn't care at first I couldn't see it but she could. Then there were teachers in high school who always told me to continue with it. They could see it too. They could see it following me around where ever I would go. It didn't make sense but now it does or at least it's starting to.

It's amazing that what you think is just normal about you or ordinary is really extraordinary and by that I don't mean extra ordinary but far greater than anything you could have imagined or envisioned for yourself. What you thought would kill you would only make you stronger and what seems to be pressing you down is only building you up. God has a way that's mighty sweet and now that I'm done trying I'm actually just cool with being.

Until next time...

Success

So I was having lunch with a good friend of mine yesterday and we were talking about our struggles and weaknesses and I shared with her my fear of being successful. I know to some of you that might sound really weird like why are you afraid of succeeding? Why are you afraid to be all that you can be? Why are you afraid that you might accomplish something in life? Well my friend was telling me that she has another friend who has the same fear. She said this friend gets physically sick whenever they think about being successful. Wow the thought that your fear could make you sick, that's deep. Anyways, she asked me what is it that scares me and at first I didn't know. I sat blank for a second and the only thing that I could come up with was that I might do good. LOL. Wow I'm afraid of trying because I might do well, or maybe it's because I might do well or try hard and not even come close to hitting the mark. Maybe that's it. Aha...maybe I am afraid of trying and not succeeding so when I envision success it's of me not obtaining it it's of me losing it.

Man I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I mean I want to be successful. I want to achieve my dreams and fulfill God's will but I'll be honest I am afraid. I'm afraid to step out on faith and try to do God's will. Partially because I know it's going to be hard work. I am not against working. I guess since my dreams and desires are so great the work load seems to be overwhelming right now. Hmmmm What are you afraid of and why?

Some scriptures that I am using to help me,

Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:9 Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.

Psalm 46:2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

Psalm 49:5 Why should I fear when evil days come, when wicked deceivers surround me-

Psalm 61:5 For you have heard my vows, O God; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.

I think God is saying it is ok to be fearful and doubt but do not stay in that place. Take that emotion or feeling and turn it into something else. Turn that terrifying fear into a fear or reverence for and of God. Take assurance that the Lord has heard your petition and know that He is listening and moving. He has a plan and in His he does the actions necessary to get you to your destiny. So I don't know about whoever is reading this blog but I know that me personally. I know that I need to fear God and obey Him. I need to love Him and respect Him. I need to seek to do His will above my own. I don't know about you but fear cannot paralyze me I need to use it as a catalyst and as confirmation. I should do more work to prove my faith is actually living. So let's rise up against fear. I ain't afraid of no fear...lol...no but seriously why fear FEAR when you can fear God? Think about it...no stop...and think about it. Why fear fear? I'll fear God. That's way easier and less confusing...I'm not sitting around like...fear...hmmm..aahhh...it's intangible.

God is the almighty and full of power. He gives me power not fear. I serve God, not fear. Alright Success here I come!

Randomness

What's up with Thursdays? I personally think that Thursday is the new Friday. No offense to Friday but by the time you roll around everyone is so tired from the school or work week depending on what you have going on, Fridays just aren't what they used to be. However since Thursday is here just 1 day earlier then he gets more attention and excitement. Making it harder for you to do something on Friday because you are tired from Thursday and now looking forward to hanging out or doing something special on Saturday. Maybe since I live in a college town and all of my roommates are still in college it just seems that way.

My transition from college into the workforce has been a slow one. Since I live like 5 minutes walking distance from my Alma Mater it's like I never left. Plus the church I go to is filled with college students. Which is not a bad thing, please don't misinterpret what I am writing. I guess I am just searching for my identity in the big world. More or Less the world, mostly just looking to God, like how do I fit in this big ol puzzle? I know there is something on the inside of me but how do I get what is on the inside of me, out to the rest of the world. I know I was created for greatness but was I really created for greatness?

I'm working on this poem that I want to share at 1st Fridays, an open mic kind of expressions night which people seek to display their talent and glorify God with their gifts and the poem has been so hard to write. I say that because for one it has been literally so hard to write. I've been trying to organize what and how I want to phrase things and thinking about how I will emphasize certain parts of the piece and it's hard ya'll. To summarize it in a nutshell. I never knew who I was...lol...I'm thinking about all those movies where it's at this super dramatic point and the main character is crying and they're like..."I never knew my father"...lol...not trying to poke fun but I feel like I'm like I'm saying to myself "I never knew myself". Lol...that's soooo how I feel right now like I never knew me at all. I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for being. I am precious and I am beautiful so that's just a lil bit of what I keep to myself or maybe even hide of myself.

BB 10 [Big Brother 10]

Dan is the Man! If you didn't know well now you do. This is my new show. Along with Fringe and The Hills. I'm just sooooooo juiced right now. I'm sooooo happy for Dan, he got money for being America's Player for one week plus he won the $500,000. Memphis didn't do too bad either, he won a car plus $50,000 and Keesha got $25,000 too. Let's not forget April and Jerry and their lil bit of cash and of course Libra and the infamous Hawaiian Vacation she snatched from Michelle. Go Libra...lol...Anyways this was such a good season. I lowkey like reality tv. For a lil bit I will admit I thought that it should just dissappear altogether but this show has rekindled my love affair with reality television. It is offical...well at least for now. Today was a great day. I will share some more thoughts on my mind tomorrow. I just wanted to stop through and let the blogspot followers know that I was here today just didn't drop anything. Well it's off to midweek service. Good night folks!!

This is ridiculous!

JUNIOR SENIOR ROCKS

Ok so a good friend of mine put me on about Junior Senior and I like them. I can't front at first I was like what the heck? Who are these guys. But I love their sound. Cool beats, catchy lyrics and just plain ol good fun. So take a listen...

I'm a Christian, so what does that mean?

I'll tell you what it does not mean. It doesn't mean that I think I'm better than you or because you are different than me that I hate you. I love you, yes you who I don't even know. What it does mean is that I challenge myself to live a lifestyle that will please God. Yes you guessed it. I love Jesus Christ. I read the bible. I pray. I go to church regularly and I believe that Jesus is coming back just like he said he would. Am I trying to pressure you to serve and believe in the God I believe in so that you can be "brainwashed" like me...notice the quotes this is sarcasm. First of all I don't need to prove that God exists, He just does. My prayer is that He would reveal himself to you so that you may know for yourself, yes so that the truth that I love and embrace might transform your life and so that you might seek to do the Father's will. Yes I want you to believe what I believe but not so I can prove that I am right or belittle you or so you can be apart of a cult. Dude my life is great but I can't keep this goodness on the inside of me. I want to share it. My passion is for people. My passion is to see people truly turn to God and repent of their sins (which not everyone wants to do because you first have to acknowledge that you sin, meaning you fail, you fall, and are essentially not perfect or even worse not that super good person you think you are). Following God is not easy but its rewards are great. God has truly smiled on me, no literally he smiled on me when I was born and for years...19 to be exact...I ignored him. Anyways that's a novel in and of itself. However my point is that I love Jesus Christ. So If Jesus Christ loves you and I love Jesus Christ then I must love you the same way Christ did and if I don't then check me on it. For real but don't assume I'm one way without even knowing me.

Anyways I don't want to end on a sour note. I'm just sharing this because it's on my heart. Some one out there thinks this, it may not be about me it may be about their mother who they feel puts the church over their family or their daughter who is involved in campus ministry or maybe it's a best friend you grew up with who's life has gone a different direction because of their devotion to Christ. Anywho I don't know but God does.

I didn't know

So when I started this blog I had no idea what I was starting. I thought that this was going to be just a small something that I did just to get some things off my chest or to clear my head and maybe bless someone. However God has totally blown my mind with this blog. The title behind the blog is "Freeing Myself" and it all came out of this prison that I held my self captive in mentally, financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc, etc, and etc. I could go on and with all the ways that I kept myself from truly being free. I was just telling someone last night that when I was 18 and in college I had this pressing fear that if I didn't go to bed at a certain time or do my homework or do the dishes and clean the bathroom or went to a party knowing I had class the next morning that I truly thought my parents were going to show up out of nowhere and at that time they lived in Las Vegas so that definitely wasn't happening but some reason I made myself believe that and it prevented me from truly enjoying myself because in the back of my mind I still felt like a kid. Now in all seriousness yes I was still a child in many ways but to the good ol US of A I was an adult. Eligible for military service, jury duty, tax responsibility, and so on. I say all of this to say that to say that this blog was prophetic in its declaration. I needed to free myself from some things in March 2008 when I started this and now September 2008 I am just coming out of some of those things and others I am still struggling with but I am happy that I am learning and growing and truly learning how to be free the way that God has called to be free. Free from fear and embracing love and adventure and the marvelous journey that God has for me.

Fabrication in my mind!

Fab·ri·cate (fāb'rĭ-kāt') Pronunciation Key
tr.v. fab·ri·cat·ed, fab·ri·cat·ing, fab·ri·cates

1. To make; create.
2. To construct by combining or assembling diverse, typically standardized parts: fabricate small boats.
3. To concoct in order to deceive: fabricated an excuse.

fab·ri·ca·tion /ˌfæbrɪˈkeɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fab-ri-key-shuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act or process of fabricating; manufacture.
2. something fabricated, esp. an untruthful statement: His account of the robbery is a complete fabrication.



So I'm completely guilty of fabrication. For years I have created these elaborate stories and ideas in mind. Some close to the truth and some so far off that it should just be a sin to think what I thought. Wait a minute lying is a sin, even when it's to yourself. I guess I didn't see it that way. I think I even subconsciously thought I was being honest with myself. Somewhere deep down inside I thought I was a good person. I thought I was spending my money wisely. I thought I knew everything. However the more and more that I live and step outside of my comfort zone, the more and more that I realize that I don't know everything the more I realize I know absolutely nothing at all. I think that today in America at least with all our research and market tracings that we somehow think we can just follow the trend and predict what's coming next. However the past is not an indicator of future success. Just because something worked back then doesn't mean it's going to work now. So what does that mean for you? I don't know. What it means to me is that I need to get off my rusty dusty and live like I've never lived before. It means that if I want this change that I talk about so much then I should probably do something to achieve it. That means it's going to take sacrifice. I will have to sacrifice my money, my time, my life, and a lot more of what I don't want to. However the consequences of not sacrificing are going to be more severe than actually sacrificing.

All Alone

Have you ever just felt all alone? Right now that's how I feel. I didn't think things could turn out like this but they have. My mind is swarming right now. I'm in so deep that I can't even breathe. I feel like my enemies have conquered me. I feel like I'm left in the desert to die.

Dowry

What are you worth?

So I was on this random blog http://coolbass06.blogspot.com/ (check it out when you have time) and this guy I guess just "stumbles upon", which is ironically another interesting site, a site called http://www.howmanygoats.com/ and on the site it has this quiz. The quiz is centered around the old principle of a suitor paying the father of the woman he wants to wed a dowry. The dowry could be land/animals/money/etc. In this case the dowry is goats. So the quiz asks you a series of questions and at the end you are rated a number of goats that you are worth. I am apparently worth 9 goats. Anyways I bring this all up because it got me thinking about femininity and our society.

Honestly, I feel like no one thinks like this anymore.

What more

What more can I ask of a man who has my best interest at heart
What more can I say to a man who has the perfect words
What more can I do to prove my love for a a man who gave his

Lord today in the midst of all the confusion. I set aside my heart, feelings and emotions so that I may have the life that you promised me. I will no longer give the enemy my promise willingly. I know that it is something I freely received so thank you Lord. I proclaim you Lord of all and Lord of my life. Forgive my hesitancy to giving you full control. Forgive my distrust in your plan for my life and disbelief that you have a plan. Lord I know you have my best interest at heart so continue to work in my heart and in mind.

In Jesus Name I pray

Amen

Always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth . 2 Tim 3:7

I don't want to be that person who seeks out knowledge and truth but ignores the truth right in front of his or her face. They can quote scripture like no other but honestly has no application of the word or understanding of it in their life. I want to acknowledge the truth, which is Jesus Christ at all times. I want to really see the goodness that exists. I want to know what it is I'm called to. I want to experience all that there is for me to experience. I want to love beyond my capability, allowing God's love to just flow from me into the lives of others. I don't want to merely know how to control anger yet nag my husband and discipline my children out of spite and cop attitudes with my friends and family. I don't want to be the evil one that no one can tell anything because of the possible reaction or judgement. I don't want to understand the complete function of marriage and all that it can offer and never really experience it's pure goodness. I want to be so Sold Out for you that I just live without worry or regret but I refuse to let the enemy torment me or steal my joy. I want to know how to really, I mean really be OK with being single. I want to enjoy my life. I want to know what it means to love me and see me the way that God does. I want to know. I want to.

So today I declare I will no longer be a lover of knowledge but a lover of truth. The wonderful truth of Jesus Christ!

Rest

I thank God for rest in his presence. I'm just learning what it means to slow down and do things in excellence. For the longest, I have juggled so many things and done them poorly and I always thought that if I slowed down then I would be losing out. Losing out on adventure, fun, friends, boos (boyfriends), blessings, etc. I always thought if I wasn't in on what was going on then I would never know the purpose or plan for my life. I want so desperately for the promises of God towards me to be fulfilled and sometimes it seems like they will never be but I know that he's a God of faithfulness. Even though I'm not faithful in my prayer time, my word time, my worship time, in fasting, in living this walk of Christ-likeness out or anything, he's still faithful. The sun and moon still rise and fall and it's because he's faithful, not me. My prayer is that I would learn to be anxious for nothing but offer the cares of my heart to him in prayer. That I wouldn't worry as much as I do about who I will marry, if I will be a good mother, what will my final career path look like, or when will I be debt free? Lord these are things my flesh would lead my heart and mind to believe are of desperate urgency to know when all that is in front of us is preparing us for glory. All things are working out for his plan and purpose, which is good but everyday we have to submit our life and day to him so that we are not walking in our own selfish desires. Lord forgive me for not surrendering my day to you earlier. You are so awesome. You are so great. Have your way. Do with my life as you please, it may be uncomfortable but I know that it's fulfilling.

Lord my prayer for today is that you would increase the urgency for prayer and rest in you. Show us how to be so submitted to you. Lord you are so awesome. Have your way. Move by your spirit. Show us the way, the truth and the life. We are leading false and poor reflections. Guide us. We need you now. Show up father. Move me out of the way so that you can do what needs to be done in my life. Show me the idols. Show me the thing I hold near and dear to me. I need you so much. This is your life and day. Have your way!

In Jesus Name

Amen

Thanks

I'm so thankful for great friends who encourage you when the going gets tough. I'm so thankful for friends who love me for Me. I know I'm not perfect but they still love me. I thank the Lord for giving me these friends. I know that my life right now is so blessed not because of what I did but because of what God-the son did. I love him so much. He's so awesome. So my weekend was great too. I went to the park and chilled with some awesome women of God who just filled me up with happiness, by just being in their presence. Then I came home and chilled with me and God of course. I actually drew. I'm working on this picture of Laila Ali and her new hubby Curtis Conway, it's not turning out how I wanted it to but it's great practice. I'm just blessed by the Lord with his goodness. I wrote on Thursday that I was inspired to draw and I carried it out with God's help. Prayer works ya'll. Lord willing I want to spend more time with my guitar glorifying the lord. He's so awesome and I want to praise him in so many ways. I want to praise him with my life, with my song, with my guitar, with my art, with my films, with my work, with everything I do. Lord use me for your glory. Not my will be done but let yours be fulfilled in the earth. Rest Rule and Abide here. In Jesus Name Amen!

God Rocks Forever!!!

So I was inspired

Today I was inspired. I have for the longest been so fearful of expressing myself creatively for the fact that I just didn't think that I was good enough. I loved to draw growing up and would always do it. I was so good people thought I was going to be an Art major, sketching mostly with Charcoal and pastels and pencil was my heart. I tried to paint but it wasn't my strongest area. My heart really loved to sketch people in their truest form. While I drew I also enjoyed acting in high school plays and dancing with my sister. Art was all around me growing up, it's what inspired me to study film. This is a struggle of mine, being good at so many things but fear of excelling in one thing because the others will be neglected. So what? I know but tell my heart that, it wants it all with no exceptions. Anyways, I really want to start drawing again. I want to take like a art 101 class or something just to get back in the swing of things. I miss it.

Thanks for the inspiration today GK!

Amber

Brickfish.com

Oh ok so I've been sucked into this awesome website, http://www.brickfish.com This site allows people to enter what they call, campaigns or contests for cool prizes, cash, trips, etc. I love it. My friend MaryGrace is the one that got me hooked on it. She's trying to get on Stage with the Rascal Flatts! Only 6 more days!!! So help her Please!!!

The site is http://brickfish.com and she's ranked 11 out of 300 in the campaign

Be a Milk Rock Star with Rascal Flatts, and my video is actualy feature on the hompage if you scroll to the bottom right under the site's most viral entries. It's me and 3 other girls on there. Then you can get to my profile and see my other campaigns. If you can work myspace then you can work this site!

Thanks sooo much for all of your support and votes! Every little bit helps!

I love you!

Amber Rhodes

The Power of Prayer

Last night I had an awesome experience.

NO!!

I am such a jerk. Ok not really but I realized that I do say "No" entirely too much...well sometimes not enough. In particular when people offer me things, that's the first thing that I say. I say No Thank you to whatever it is that they are peddaling or pushing. I don't want it. I just can't help it. Growing up my parents really enforced that don't take candy from strangers rule. This guy that keeps coming into my job to fix/work on people's computers always asks me about these headaches I get and today he's like. I have a whole case of smart water in the car. Want some? I'm like no, because one you'd have to go downstairs and come back upstairs and bring me the water and then everytime I saw you I'd have to thank you for the water you gave me. I just don't want that kind of responsibility. It's too much for me. So yeah, I'm not about to just start saying yes more, just realized I'm a rejecter even if there is nothing wrong with the product (I'm talking about another situation in my head...Whoooooooooooooo). So maybe I should have taken it, that's expensive stuff!!!

I thank you

Lord

I thank you today for just being so good to me. I know that I often doubt you but I am so thankful that you forgive me and consistently love me. You always come through. Even in those things that hurt me and seem to be tearing me down I know that you are really building me up. You are building me up to do those things you've called me to do and to act as I know in my heart of hearts I am. Just being no trying just being. I thank you Lord for life, health, and strength and I declare that I am healed by your stripes. I know you want the best for me, and help me to see how the things that you sent into my life such as people are helping me get to that best that you want for me. Lord you are good and your mercy endures forever. Lord I love you. Lord I thank you. Lord I worship you. Lord I submit to you. Lord you are God. There is no one like you. Thanks for being there when no one else was there. I love you and I praise. Lord, I ask that you be glorified today and that I would move out of the way for you to have your way. I don't want to prevent you from flowing in me. I love you.

In Jesus Name I pray,

Amen

Something's not right

All day today I've had this weird feeling that something was not right. I felt like something was just off. I can't explain but deep in my heart something is missing. Something is wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it but something is different. At lunch today there was just a silence over me. I didn't want to speak. I didn't want to share. I just wanted to be still. Even now I wish I were at home to crawl into my bed and cry out to God. In my heart and my mind I'm praying. I may not be able to yell like I want to because I'm working but please believe that I will be crying my little heart out to God as soon as I get to my car. In worship, in prayer, in the spirit, and in any way that He asks me to. I will put Him first. I will worship him.

Now I'm thinking it should always be like this. Why is today so special? Because I feel like it. God is calling me to give Him my all every day, every minute and every sec. It's not difficult.

My Prayer

Dear Lord,

I want to want you. I want to need you. I want to desire you. I want to long for you. I want to just admire you. I want to learn how to love you the way that you've called me to love you. I want to love you so much that my desires are completely lined up with your desires for me. I want you to be pleased with me. I want you to tell me that I have done what it is that you have asked of me. I want to let you in. Lord do a new and wonderful work in me or allow me to finally see the work you've been trying to do in me. Lord I love you and I thank you. You are so amazing Lord. You deserve all the glory and honor. Praises to your name.

In Jesus Name I pray,


Amen

All I can say is that I believe.

I love you all!!!

Amber

Love Without Conditions

Lately God is showing me how I lead a conditional life. Most of what I do or do not do is based on conditions. If - then statements like If I get paid then I'll give this. If you call me then I'll go. If they ask me then I'll do it. If they don't apologize then I won't either. If they make a right turn I'll go in front of them. If this outfit doesn't work, then I'll change this top. I know that's pretty simple but I've been shown how that translates into my relationship with God, other Christians and even myself. More importantly I've noticed this about my love(actually it's His Love). I give it sparingly. Sometimes I want to love God and other times I want to feel neutral towards Him because although I've submitted my life to Him I really haven't done so. I submitted it to Him under the condition that I would have life and life abundantly, that he's gracious and full of mercy, that He knows the plans for my life...etc. I have submitted my life to Him under the condition that everything will work out the way I want it to and that's not real love. I shouldn't want to love God only for the blessings that He will give me but because He first loved me and never stopped. Since He forgave me I should always love him no matter what and even better than that He's God, the one true, living God. And loving Him...guess what? That means loving His people. That means automatically I should just love them. I should just look at them and love them. I should just see Him all over their lives and thank the Lord for them. However the truth is that I don't. I get jealous and envious of other believers, I get mad at unbelievers, I get hurt by friends, and I often stray from God's Will creating this false reality that He's forsaken me when in all actuality I'm the one who left Him. It's time for the conditional love to stop it's time for us to just love. When a thought arises outside love, we should cast it down. I say reject sin/burdens/lies/drama basically anything that can and will keep you from being in holy communion with the Father. Then accept His Will for your life. And Love. Love your God with everything that is within you. Love Him for who He is and if you don't know who He is then ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him but go after Him. Look for Him to show up in your life. Ask Him to make the foreign things plain. Then while you are learning to Love God unconditionally, Love your neighbours, brothers, sisters, all humanity and Love yourself.

So Let's learn how to Love without the conditions. I

love you all.

Amber

It's coming

Have you ever seen a season of your life fast approaching and thought, how did I get here? Not in a bad way but in a way that you didn't think it would ever happen and now that's on the horizon you just can't believe it almost. Well that time has come for me. I wrote about preparation earlier today because I can truly feel God preparing me for something bigger than myself. I know that he is working in and through me and that he with this new season he's showing me so much.

However my main focus is still to stay close to Him. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't want to mess anything but I can't freeze. I can't not move because of this uncertainty. Awhile ago I was out shopping and I was enjoying myself and as I picked up an article of clothing it really hit, I'm next. God is saying now is your time to bloom. Now is your time to be beautiful. Now is your time to be all that I called you to. Now that's our call everyday but I could hear God really saying this all to me. Time passed and I questioned this calling but again He spoke, this time using my name "Amber". He spoke in my heart, my life, everywhere He spoke to me. I thank Him for that, now that he's calling me.

I know that now that he's calling I must answer. And my answer is Yes. I don't know what's going to happen but my answer is yes because you've been so faithful. You've been so true and how could I say no. How?

What's He calling you to?

Preparation

Can you feel God preparing you for something? I know that I can. It hasn't always been like this. There were times when I just couldn't feel Him at all. Times when I thought that I was all alone. Times that were not to far away from the present. Now I can see God's hand in my life and the lives of those around me. I'm thanking God for working in situations that when I was going through it I couldn't see how it was going to end. I mean now that I'm out I'm like how didn't I know that he was going to take care of me. How couldn't I know and understand His love for me? Now it just reminds me how important it is to stay humble and grateful through it all.

God has been whispering sweet somethings into my ear regarding His plan for my life. I don't always understand or even get things right but I'm so excited that I can hear Him. I'm so excited that He listens to me. I'm glad that it's all working out for His glory, for His goodness.

To know your plan and purpose and not like in its entirety but to know the plan seems so out there and you think it could be anything. However if you spend time with the Most High, you will learn His heart and ways and essentially learn your heart too. He will show you your heart, desires, and what He's called you to.

So ask Him today, What is YOUR purpose, plan, desire, want, need, etc, for my life?

Watch him rock your socks!!

Why seek His face?

I asked myself this very question this morning? Why is it that the Bible encourages to seek God's face? Why not his hand or his body or his mind? Why are we seeking his face? What is it about the face of God that is worth seeking? Forgive me I'm not trying to be disrespectful I'm just curious. I was really thinking about that today. I plan to research it further and let you know what I find out but I really am curious about why we are encouraged to seek his face.

Here are my thoughts. When I was growing up often times I would get into trouble, and would find myself standing in the doorway of my parents' bedroom on trial, pleading my case and they would always emphasis maintaining eye contact with them. It's like if they could see my face, they could see if I was lying, being sincere, acting in spite, etc. So maybe God wants us to see his emotion see his heart projected on his face. Maybe that's why we are told to seek his.

Secondly, I think of Asian Cultures where the elders/adults find it highly disrespectful when the children look the parents in the eyes. If they are truly respectful, they will bow their heads as a sign of humility. In other cultures I hear that eye contact can be viewed as challenging behavior.
However we're seeking his face not his eyes. Hmmm...interesting.

Then I think to myself maybe it's just that God views us as friends so we can sit and talk to him face to face and he will hear our plea. Maybe we need to know that he loves us, and places us higher than we view ourselves so therefore we are allowed to view him face to face. I don't know exactly what it is, but I want to know more. I want to know why we are encouraged to seek his face.

Being Loved

Being loved doesn't just go one way. In order to be loved, you must love as well. Whether you show that love first is not important. However in order to be loved you must love. Whether it be a romantic relationship or just a friend if you want that relationship to grow then you must put forth some type of effort. I'm learning in my walk with Christ that my love is quite shallow. Where I thought I'd go the distance I find myself lazing about, not doing much of anything. Yes I love Christ because he first loved me but now He wants more of me because time is up. Yes time is up for the inconsistent love relationship. I love Him when he's good to me, and lowkey resent him when he hasn't done what I asked of him. Not ever stopping to think once that I could be the problem. Time is up for the games but it is time for sincerity. To be honest and sincere with God about how I feel about things. I'm too old, well age or time is not relevant but I know good and well that I can't make a mess and want it to be dealt with but hide it to avoid the consequences of my actions because of fear of the unknown.

Growing up I feared my parents. They did an excellent job of instilling fear of them in me. So good, that I never wanted to disobey them because I feared disappointing them. I feared what they would do, but I would still disobey them because they were never consistent in their punishment so there was always a chance that I wouldn't be punished because they didn't stick to their word. In many ways I take that same mentality and apply it to my relationship with God. I think he's just like my parents, unfaithful. I think if he said something, he didn't mean it or it's not going to come to fruition because my parents never did what they said but how many of you know, that's not true of God. He is the same, unchanging, still, long suffering, he is exactly what he will do. Never less than the truth, but always right on time.

I must declare his truthfulness in the earth. His faithfulness. His love.

97 Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long.
98 Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are ever with me.
99 I have more insight than all my teachers, for I meditate on your statutes.
100 I have more understanding than the elders, for I obey your precepts.
101 I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word.
102 I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me.
103 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
104 I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.
105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
106 I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws.
107 I have suffered much; preserve my life, O LORD, according to your word.
108 Accept, O LORD, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws.
109 Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law.
110 The wicked have set a snare for me, but I have not strayed from your precepts.
111 Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart.
112 My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.
113 I hate double-minded men, but I love your law.
114 You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.
115 Away from me, you evildoers, that I may keep the commands of my God!
116 Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.
117 Uphold me, and I will be delivered; I will always have regard for your decrees.
118 You reject all who stray from your decrees, for their deceitfulness is in vain.
119 All the wicked of the earth you discard like dross; therefore I love your statutes.
120 My flesh trembles in fear of you; I stand in awe of your laws.

Do I really believe this? Can I say that this is my heart. That I love his law and really love it. God is showing me my heart towards him. All the things that are in me. I've asked that he help me and he's truly transforming me. I once heard preached, that the difference between transition and transformation is that one requires change. The latter of course, requires you to be molded into something other than your previous form, whether this is done physically such as a pregnancy where your are physically changing or a personality change, or a financial change. Whereas a transition simply moves you from one locale to another. It simply takes you from where you are and places you in another place. When God transforms you, he is making you over and drawing certain things out of you to take you to a new place. He's equipping you for whatever is coming next just make sure that you are listening and taking heed to what is going on because you could miss very important instructions.

So let God in, I'm really letting go of my junk. My bad attitude, my insecurities, my self centered will, my hurt, my rejection, and all that other stuff that's hidden so deep that I think it's normal.

Let it go!!!

Day 2: Staying Committed

Wow...it's hard to follow through sometimes. As much as you intend to, sometimes things just happen. This time I want to make it through past the place that I was before. Past the complacency, past the hurt, past the place where I stopped last time. I know that it's going to take time but does anyone else want it all now. Does anyone else want to experience the success now, the love now, the happiness now, the joy now? Does anyone else want to be fulfilled? Knowing that that place in their heart, soul, body, has been filled. I want that. Sometimes I feel like I have that, but truthfully, those times are far and few between, to say the least. I know who God created me to be, but why can't I just BE? Why are all the false personas still hanging around? Why won't I just let them die and fall off of me. Maybe because I like it, not consciously but beneath the surface I love the Mask. It's my idol. It's my protection from the world because if they don't see who I really am then they can never hurt me. What they say doesn't hurt or even what they do because they are speaking to someone I've created. I've pretended so long, I don't even know if I can be my true self.

The woman that is comfortable in jeans, likes--no loves to dress up for special occasions with the fresh hair style, nails done, jewelry, make-up--the works. The woman who loves to minister and pray. The woman who loves to daydream and zone out from time to time. The woman who loves to dance, with herself, her friends, and strangers. The woman who needs God but often runs when He shows himself strong on her behalf. The woman who loves to write...just anything she's feeling. The woman who's changing and growing. The woman who makes mistakes. The woman who smiles so big, it hides her eyes. The woman who wants to be genuine with everyone she meets. The woman who dreams big and always hopes for the best. The woman that God created me to be.

I guess I need to just stay true to myself. I need to make sure that I am honest in all things and prayerful in everything. I need to be, just be.

So for today and tomorrow, there are goals that I want to accomplish but if I don't it's okay. I think it was William Shakespeare who wrote "To thine ownself be true" but I think it's best said. "To thine own God be true" because if you are true to him then he'll be true to you...well he's always true, HE's God...ya know. But I think you get the jist.

Have a great day!!!

I love you all!

How I'm feeling

Last night I realized that the pain I was feeling, was all my fault. I had no one to blame for the loneliness that I was feeling. It was not a product of my parents' child rearing or my friend's fault but for once I realized that it was all my fault. I had refused to let God into the most secret places of my heart lest He would really make me over. Make me into something that was different from what I had known my whole life. Turn me into something that was unrecognizeable before my peers. Ostracize me, to the point of depression and still expect me to give Him praise. Yes I had really done it this time. Why couldn't I just let go? Let go of the pain that comforted me during the midnight hour. Why had I grown so accustomed to my own misery?





So with the start of this new blog I hope to begin to free myself. I looked up the word, freeing on dictionary.com and these are the definitions that spoke to my situation that are indicative of the level of freedom I want.

6. able to do something at will; at liberty: free to choose.

8. not occupied or in use

For a long time I was living in fear. Fear of myself and who I might become. Truly afraid of my own success because if I did do something great, what next? Would I fail? Would people like me? Who was I? Even at times I ask...Who am I? Am I really who I think I am? Sometimes I'm not sure but I do know that I can't live in fear anymore. I do know that I can't keep doing the same thing(s) over and over again expecting different results. I just can't live like this anymore. I have to be free. Free on the inside. I have to know at my core that I am free and that no one can hold me down or shake me. I'm my own person. I'm living this life for me. For me...for me...wow...that's hard for me to type, let alone say out loud. I know that I am beautiful and full of potential and have a full life ahead of me but I can't ignore the truth of my circumstance. If you are in bondage then you need to acknowledge that first and get a plan of recovery and restoration going. You can't just sit and wallow in your mess!!! Well Thank you Lord for that Revelation at 2am this morning!!!